


Please don't hang up

by LilKjay (orphan_account)



Category: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting - Fandom, Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Cailan is an Ass, Cheating, Cullen & Alistair are Police Officers - hell yeah!, Despair, Eventual Smut, F/M, Guilt, Heartbreak, Hope, M/M, Protective Behavior, Rating May Change, Secret Affair, Slow Burn, Threats, Unplanned Pregnancy, crisis line, don't grieve Nelly, falling in Love with a voice, help is on the way!, oh look cullen is a phone operator too, so many feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-24 23:44:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6171457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/LilKjay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p> </p><p> </p><p>She felt abandoned by the world, burdened not by only by the responsibility for her own life, but also for the one that grew inside her. In despair she made a call for help… and gained more than she had ever hoped for.</p><p> </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

Another lightning bolt illuminated the late autumn sky. A lavish mansion with a white front, large windows that reflected the nightly sky. Rain poured steadily, its natural scent mixing with the sweet one of roses and tulips. The wide well-groomed garden was decorated with several fountains, the neatly trimmed grass streaked with marble paths. The largest of them was framed by flowerbeds, and lead to the wide and colonnaded Veranda. In the past she had marveled at the beauty of the whole estate, but now it just made her stomach clench in anxiety. She tried to breathe through her mouth to escape the odor of flowers and rain, before her attention was pulled to other person in front of her again.

 

‘I don't know what you are expecting of me, Nelly.’ His tone was so unlike him, all anger and annoyance. Nervously she tucked a damp strand of ash blonde hair behind her face.

‘Cailan… please.. I-’ She whispered with a shaken voice, feeling her hopes shatter one by one as she saw the look in his eyes.

 

The tall man in front of her just scoffed. He was clad in grey sleeping pants and a loose shirt, hastily pulled on after she had knocked on his door in the middle of the night. Light blue eyes gleamed with malice.

 

‘Seriously, what were you thinking? Knocking on my door at such an hour?! You could have woken up Anora!’ It was like another punch in the stomach, and she squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. Nausea rose in her and she pressed one hand over her mouth, but he ignored it.

‘I think I made perfectly clear that this fling was over.’

 

Her heart pinched at the word ´fling´. This was, what he called their relationship now? He had been her first boyfriend, the first man who had lain with her. Six months… and now it was just a… fling. Nelly swallowed hard to remain calm. It wasn't easy. Not with her thoughts tumbling through her head, mood swinging from one extreme to the other.

 

‘But I need help… The protectory threw me out and-’

‘This is not MY problem, slut!’ He said lowly hissed voice that crushed her with every new syllable. With a flinch she took the new insult, and it started to hurt less. Slut. Whore. Thing. Child. So many things he had called her since she woke him up. Once… it had been Sweetheart, Lovely. Deary. A lump formed in her throat.

‘Please, Cailan… I really need your help, you said that I could-’

 

_Crack!_

 

Pain started to bloom on her left cheek, even before she registered what he had done. Dark brown eyes widened in shock, and in slow motion she lifted her hand to her face.

 

‘Enough. I don't have time for this’ He spat and took a step in her direction. Nelly shrunk back in sudden fear, her hand splayed out on her still flat belly. His eyes narrowed at the motion, and he scoffed anew.

‘You are nothing but a whore. And this child is NOT mine!’ Threateningly, his forefinger stretched out, the rest of his hand balled to a fist. A golden band gleamed on his ring finger, and she felt her stomach churn.

‘And don´t you dare to tell anyone otherwise!’

 

Tears started to spill down her cheeks, feeling cold against the hotness of where his hand had connected with her skin. Her other hand held onto the strap of her backpack, the leather digging into her skin.

‘But you were the only one who-’ She tried again in a tiny voice, but flinched away as he again raised his hand.

‘Shut up and leave.’ He growled in a dangerous sneer, and fear gripped her heart. _This is a Nightmare.. a absolute nightmare…_ A loud thunderclap made her jump in surprise, and dark brown eyes scanned the dark city in the distance helplessly. She had no money. No pass. Just her smartphone, a few clothes for changing and her diary. Trembling, Nelly turned back to her ex-boyfriend and boss.

 

‘Please… It's past midnight... Please let me stay at least one night… I don't know where to go…’ Nelly tried in a last desperate attempt,  knuckles around the strap white. Her hair stuck in wet tresses to her head, and more tears slid down her cheeks..

‘Sweet Maker, had I known how clingy you are, I would have fucked the other trainee!’ Her throat constricted at all the hate he threw at her. _Where is the sweet man who held the door open for me? Who helped me with my reports? Who invited me to dinner? Who kissed me and told me that he loved me? He is joking. He must be joking… a cruel joke. nothing more._ Pink lips trembled as she cleared her throat several times.

 

‘But you said… That I am special…’ Voice tiny, carrying the last trace of hope that lived in her heart. Her cheek still stung, but he was the only person left. After the housemaster had found the test, his wife had demanded that Nelly was thrown her out. ‘Soiling the reputation of Guerrin Protectory with a pregnancy’ Madame Isolde had screeched, and her husband had just shrugged helplessly and told Nelly to leave. Her last hope was not the man in front of her, who had his eyes narrowed in annoyance.

 

‘Are you really that daft? What did you thought?! That I would leave my wife to marry a little trainee?’ he said with laughter in his voice, although the anger in his eyes made her shiver.

‘I didn´t knew that you are married…’ She whispered and another tear trailed down her cheek. As if on cue, a lamp lit up in the second floor. Cailan hissed in frustration, as footsteps made the floor above them creak. Then they heard a female voice.

‘Cailan, Love? Is everything alright?’ Nelly bit her bottom lip to stifle a sob, and the man in the doorframe turned partially, looking over his shoulder and up to the woman in a white nightgown, standing at the top of the doorsteps.

 

‘Yes. Everything alright Anora. It´s just a beggar. Go back to bed’ Cailan said in a sweet voice, a complete difference to the hateful tone he had spoken just seconds before.

She felt the woman´s eyes on her, and Nelly evaded her gaze. _If she knew who I am, she wouldn't look so compassionate at me… Oh god…_ Light blonde strands of wet hair obscured her face, raindrops dripping down on her equally wet clothes. A dark blue sweater with a white top underneath, and black wide sweatpants, the legs tucked partially in blue sneakers. The cotton backpack of a no-name label complimented her cheap outfit.

‘Poor thing. Give her some money and then come to bed’ she heard Anora say, and the empathy made her almost throw up.

‘You are too good for this world, my Love. I will.’ Her husband answered in a sweet tone, and with that the woman disappeared from the view.

 

True to his word, Cailan leaned over to the table next to the door, and retrieved his wallet. WIthout sparing her a glance, he pulled a one hundred dollar note out, and thrust it in her face.

‘Here. And now leave my property or I will call the police!’

Numbly her hand left the strap of the backpack, and she took the banknote. As their fingers brushed, she still felt the flutter of butterflies in her stomach, as if to mock her.

‘Cailan…’ She whispered and tried to take his hand, but he pulled away as if she had the plague.  
‘Leave. I don't want to see you again!’

 

With that the door smashed shut in front of her face, leaving her standing on the dark veranda. Her hand curled around the banknote, and more tears spilled down her cheeks as she balled it to a fist, then slowly turned around.

  
Thunder rolled in the distance, followed by dazzlingly lightning that illuminated the nightly sky. As she stepped down the stairs of the veranda, her damp sneakers made squelching sounds on the muddy ground. LIke a blanket the heavy rain enveloped her small form, blinding her sight partially. Under the emotionless stare of the night guard she left the Theirin property, arms wrapped around herself and crying silently.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

It hadn't stopped raining, even though the sun had already started to rise. Wrapped in a slightly dirty blanket, Nelly sat on the windowsill and looked absently outside. The TV was turned on, the newsman desperately trying to be heard over the steady _thumb-thumb_ that came from  the room next to her. A couple was on it for what it felt like hours, reminding her painfully off all the nights she had spent in Cailan's arms. He had been so attentive. So loving and caring. Swallowing down the lump that started to grew in her throat, she placed her hand on her stomach. Many times she had done this in the last few hours. Maybe it had been the reason why the grumpy hotelier had given her a room at all. The pity that shone in his eyes as she stood before him, drenched clothes, red rimmed eyes and trembling hand on her stomach.  _Am I that obvious?_

Taking a shuddering breath, she tipped her head back and let it rest against the wall behind her. Forty dollars as weekly payment. For a small dirty room, with itchy sheets and splotches on mattress, walls and the floor. The only decorum in the room was a vase in a disgusting yellow color, with paper flowers in it. The petals were thick with dust, another sign that it had been some time since this room had been tidied up. And in one corner of the ceiling, black mold. The only lamp flickered pathetically, throwing spooky shadows on the walls. But at least, it was dry and lukewarm here. She had wrung out her clothes over the sink, then laid them out on table and the only chair. Close to the heater, who gurgled in protest as she had turned it on. She wasn't sure if that thing was working at all, but with the rain still heavy outside and her clothes wet, she had no other option than to stay for now. After more than three hours, the musty smell had become bearable, to the point that she almost overlooked it at all. In truth, her thoughts were far, far away. 

 

The smartphone was lying in front of her on the sill, toes grazing the cracked display. The battery was on 67%, more than enough time for her to find a charger. Maybe she could ask the hotelier about one in the morning. Deep brown eyes closed in defeat after she tipped on the display and looked at the illuminated screen. Of course. No calls. No messages. There was no one who would miss her. She hated to admit it... but for as second she had hoped that Cailan would call her. Tell her that he had made a mistake. That he still loved her.

Because... there was no way that he would abandon her now, right? Pink lips pressed in a thin line to stifle a sob, as the hand on her stomach curled. This wasn't how she had pictured her life. Whenever she had allowed herself to dream of a future with Cailan, they were married happily. And she hadn't been seventeen... but twenty-four. Or older. _I´m a child myself, still. How shall I accomplish all that on my own? Please, Cailan... please call me. Don´t leave me alone like that..._ A tear escaped red rimmed eyes and Nelly brushed it away absently, and again tipped on the display of her smartphone. Nothing. Taking a shuddering breath, she lifted the phone close in front of her face. Knees bend and pulled close to her body, she unlocked the display completely.

 

A smiling version of herself greeted her, with Cailan sitting behind her. His strong arms wrapped around her smaller frame. Protective. Loving. Caring. Treasured.  These were the emotions she saw in his light blue eyes. _Was this all just a game for him? No... It can´t be. He said he loved me. He had wooed me like a disney prince._ It had taken him almost two months, till she had accepted one of his invitations for a coffee. Started with small compliments, a smile here, a wink there. Flowers followed, and personal notes, slipped in her reports. Smalltalk, in which he showed interest for her. The first one who cared what she thought. Who let her talk and ramble, stutter and stammer when she became flustered. So patient. So sweet. She sometimes forgot then, that he... is...  _was..._  her boss. Twenty years her senior, and the son of Maric Theirin, a star attorney in the nineties. The one Maric Theirin, who brokered peace between two hostile companies. Cailan had inherited the office and wealth after his father had died. Rumors had said he was just as ruthless as is father. And she had always denied it. No, she had been mocked for her lovesick reports in the beginning by the other trainees. But now she knew better...

 

_A handsome wealthy lawyer and a orphaned trainee… what was I thinking? Apparently nothing at all._

 

The swing in mood caught her off guard, and her hold on the phone tightened as she closed her eyes to block out the images in her head. Of them together sitting in a cafe, her drinking a cocoa while he sipped from his Irish Coffee. How he had invited her into an opera after three weeks of secret dating, and how precious she had felt. The tickets had been twice her wage in price, and she didn't even had dared to guess how much the dress must have cost that he had bought for her. Especially for that opera visit. During the whole staging he had held her hand, caressed her slender fingers with his calloused ones. No ring. Never did he wear his wedding ring.

That night after the opera, she had given herself to him. Even now her stomach fluttered as she remembered how gentle he had been. Kissed and caressed her skin, did his best to make her feel comfortable before he had taken her for the first time. Made her a woman, and kissed her tears away as the pain started to fade. Many more nights had followed. They had never used a condom, because he had said that he didn´t liked the feel of it. That he wanted to feel her completely, without a thin sheen of latex separating them. Reassured her that he could control himself. And true to his word, he had pulled out every time before he came. And it always had worked without a problem. Till...

Deep brown eyes glanced down to her flat stomach, then back up to the background picture and the couple smiling at her. The display had dimmed a little but with a swipe of her thumb it was alight again, and the chat function active.

 

His last message had been a short ‘meet me in my office at 8 pm’, sent four weeks ago. Inhaling deeply she held her breath, and counted to ten before releasing it. It still hurt so much. Even more than him backhanding her last night, calling her a whore.

At first, he had been sweet as always when she arrived. Kissed her, deeply and passionate, till she was sitting on his desk and her skirt rocked up. As he had taken her however, his behavior had changed, His thrusts rough, and he had turned his head away when she tried to kiss him. Used her without caring if she reached her high as well. Shuddering and groaning against her neck, he had emptied himself inside her. The first and only time. Afterwards he had pulled out and tucked himself away, leaving her overwhelmed and panting on the surface of his desk. Had walked to the second desk and picked up a large beige envelope and opened it.

 

Cold and distant, he had shown her pictures of an anonymous photographer. Pictures of them together, kissing in his car, embracing on the street. Pinned to the pictures had been a note. The photographer had threatened Cailan to sent the pictures to his wife, if he wouldn´t pay 10.000 dollars to a swiss bank account.

‘You aren't worthy 10.000 Dollars, deary’ Cailan had announced, even before she had progressed the words in the note fully.

 

And with that and a few more hurtful words, he had ended their relationship - and her trainee ship as well. ‘To erase any hints’ He had said, all business as if they were discussing a case. How she had made her thirty minutes of foot walk back to the protectory, she didn´t knew. Everything had been a blur, and still was. She had cried herself to sleep that night, his shirt which still smelled of his cologne pressed close to her chest. In all the love songs about break up she had listened to in the past, Nelly had never thought that words could be so true.

 

She felt as if she couldn't breathe. Drowning in a well of pain and despair. Her soul and heart shattered, the shards piercing in her body. All happiness gone, only a empty hole of darkness. When she had thrown up the very next morning, she simply thought it had been a result of her slowly dying. Her world ending. But it had continued for three more days, and then her monthly bleeding had been overdue. A little more than a month, the gynecologist had said. And given her a flyer with phone numbers and addresses for teenage mothers. Also, as she had seen Nelly´s shocked face, a flyer about abortion. Both were laying on the dirty mattress now, and she eyed them nervously. Next to them, all wrinkled and full of salty dried tears… His shirt.

 

Slender fingers drew small circles on her flat clothed belly, and she watched as another tear dampened the itchy blanket.

‘I am afraid...’ she whispered and let the smartphone drop down on the windowsill.

‘All alone...’ her voice trembled and she tucked the scratchy blanket around herself tighter. On unsteady legs she slid from the sill, and swayed over to the bed. Laying down on her side, she pulled the shirt close and pressed it in her face. The scent of expensive cologne was just faint now.

‘I can´t be a mommy... without a daddy... I don't know how...’ Nelly whispered into the fabric and curled into a ball. To the enthusiastic thumb-thumb from the couple in the room beside her, she closed her eyes. Inhaling the faint scent, she drifted off into sleep, her mind conjuring images of a better, happier time. 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

With a whimper Nelly slumped back against the chilly tiles of the bathroom wall. The odor of sewer and vomit was heavy, and she felt as if she was dying. One hand clutched her stomach, while she wiped with the other remaining spit and vomit from her lips. A thin layer of sweat had perspired on her skin. The grey sweat pants and black sleeveless top clung to her body, and she moaned as another attack of nausea hit her. She pitched forward and fell on her knees, hands curled around the toilet seat. Gagging and wheezing, knuckles turning white so tight was her hold on the plastic seat. _Please... someone help me... make it stop... Cailan... Mommy... Daddy...  please..._  Nelly whimpered, dark brown eyes glassy and unfocused.

  


Snot and tears mixed with the disgusting mush, and evoked the next violent seizure. Her whole body cramped as she emptied another mouthful of rusk and fennel tea into the toilet.With a splatter it landed in the puddle, some drops hitting her face. But she didn't cared. Head spinning like a carousel, she squeezed her eyes shut again to desperately block out the nausea.

Her body was shuddering with cramps, the fast shifts between cold and hot weakening her additionally. Ash Blonde hair clung to her sweat slick face and Nelly rested her forehead on the toilet seat as she tried to calm down. More tears slid down her cheeks as she cried silently, every hiccup irritating her sensible stomach. Her hands on the plastic were damp, and she was trembling in exhaustion. After what it felt like an eternity, her hold on the seat lessened.

 

Spitting the last bits of her breakfast into the toilet, Nelly lifted her head and sat back on her haunches. With a heavy sigh she leaned back against the bath-tiles. Knees bend loosely so she would not put too much pressure on her stomach, she inhaled several times deeply. The taste of vomit was strong and she now noticed the drying flakes of vomit in her face. Nelly grimaced and then slowly rose from the floor, slender hands supporting herself on the sink. With a trembling hand she picked up the glass of water, which she had scented with toothpaste. Brushing her teeth had become impossible, and so she rinsed her mouth then looked up.

 

In the cracked dirty mirror above the sink, a ashen-faced girl stared back at her. Dark circles under reddened eyes, hair tousled and with clotted strands that framed her face. Her cheeks were hollowed, and she traced with worry the sharp lines of her face. Then the hand slid down, over the contours of her body. Hipbones were more pronounced than usual, and she hung her head. There was no scale in the bathroom, but she was sure that she had lost dangerously much weight since the last month. _I need to stay healthy... for..._  Her heart pinched as she thought about the tiny life growing inside her, and pushed that thought away. _Not now. I can't be a mommy. I am alone.._. Nelly sighed and turned on the water. She waited a few seconds till the rusty color disappeared, then splashed water in her face and used the tiny soap to clean herself.. The small bathroom that was attached to her hotel room just housed a sink, toilet and the mirror.

 

 _And a lamp and heater - both not working. What a fitting way for a orphan elf to live…_ Nelly thought bitterly and straightened, then dried her face with the scratchy towel.  Supporting herself on the wall, she went back into the other room, and sat down on the bed. Deep brown away glanced over to the windowsill, where her possessions were lined up. Backpack. Clothes. Smartphone. Diary. And 70 Dollar.

 

Ignoring the two flyers close to her hip. Nelly pulled on her sneakers, grimacing at the slight dampness.Then she slipped into the black sweater, and pulled the zipper close. Her hair was still damp from the washing earlier, and so she pushed away from the bed.

Absently one hand trailed over her stomach, while she opened the backpack and retrieved her blue baseball cap.

 

 

**JOIN THE GREY WARDENS!**

 

 

Pink lips twitched sadly as her fingers slid over the stitched silver letters. The cap was old and worn down on a few spots, peak buckled and rough. A gift from her father, short before he went to his last mission. Nelly swallowed hard, and then pulled the baseball cap on, tucking her shoulder length ash blonde hair underneath. The cap was a little to wide, so she was able to conceal her slightly pointed ears as well. It was needed to cover them. A few weeks ago, she had been accused of thievery, without any evidence. Simply because she ´looked like one, pointy ears and all'.

 

She grabbed the crumpled dollar notes and shoved them into the pocket of her sweatpants, and picked up her smartphone. For a moment, her finger hovered over the display.  

_Maybe..._

_Maybe..._

_Please..._

 

With a fluttering stomach she closed her eyes and prayed silently, and unlocked the display. _Please... please Cailan... This is your baby as well... please... you said you love me..._ Slowly, Nelly opened her eyes again and looked at the unlocked display. The hope that had grown inside her tender and sensitive, becoming a wildfire as she saw it. For a moment, she thought she would faint.

 

 

_**1 missed call.** _

_**1 new voicemail.** _

 

 

‘He called me. He really called me!’ She stammered with a tearful voice, and the hand that held the phone trembled. Now everything would be alright. Tears of joy gathered in her eyes and she slid down against the wall, not caring for the pressure she applied to her tender stomach as she pulled her knees close to her chest.

Biting her bottom lip, she tipped onto the new voicemail, and lifted the smartphone to her ear.

 

‘You have one new voicemail. Send on 8, October, 7:49 o clock.’ A mechanic female voice stated, and Nelly closed her eyes. She couldn't suppress the giddy smile, her fingers around the phone curling. _Everything will be alright. He will tell me, that he loves me. That he is already on his way to get me. We will be a happy family and-_

‘The message reads: Hello, Miss Lavellan! This is Regina Tuckson speaking, It is my honor to inform you, that you have been selected to receive a complete digital system for free! Sadly you´re not available right now, so I will try-’

  
With a choked cry, Nelly pulled the phone away from her ear, and threw it square through the room. Sobs wrecked her body as she started to weep, her heart shattering anew in thousand pieces.

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dedicate this chapter to the most amazing Cullistair writer I know; my dear ponticle. <3 You´re the best!

 

 

Deep brown eyes stared wistfully to the large selection of sweets, and her mouth watered. But before she could make a purchase which she would regret, she turned away. The eyes of the shopkeeper bored in her back, and Nelly nervously tucked the basecap deeper into her face. True, after purchasing the much needed charger in a mobile shop, her money was low. 43 dollar left, and she still had to set money aside for the next week. If she wanted to keep that hotel room. _But where should I go? It is the cheapest hotel in Denerim. Maybe I could ask for work somewhere… Near the hotel is a cafe, if I'm not mistaken...  It´s worth a try, I guess._  

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw that the shopkeeper had moved so he could observe her better. His hip was propped up against the counter and wary grey eyes fixed on her small form. Okay, she really wasn't making a trustworthy expression with these too wide sweatpants, equally wide sweatjacket, cap and reeking of gutter. _But there is no need to stare at me as if I had kicked his dog. I would never do that!_

 

Nelly offered him a shy smile that he didn't return, and walked further down the aisle. In her hand she was holding a bag of cheap bread rolls, looking even less appetizing than they smelled. Cautiously she sauntered past the cooling shelf, feeling the beginnings of a dizzy spell taking hold on her body. The weather outside was sticky, and she was again aware of how much she had to reek. The clothes clung to her skin, and she felt an irritating itch wander over her skin. Gnawing on her bottom lip she made a mental note to purchase a cheap shower gel as well.

As she walked past the meat section, she eyed the meatballs hungrily. But as she saw the prize she grimaced and turned away. _Too expensive. I can't afford this. 3,49 Dollar is way too much, and even if I could, I can't cool it._ The hotel room had no fridge, so sausages, butter or cheese were out of question. With a deep sigh she left the cooling shelves and turned around a corner. A faint whirring sound made her look up. The security cam was fixed on her, and again it whirred as the shopkeeper no doubt zoomed in to see her face better. Resisting the urge to roll her eyes and risking to intensify the nausea she already felt, Nelly glanced away.

 _Alright. Let him think that I am a thief. Hopefully he gets embarrassed when he sees that I haven't done anything wrong. Not every elf is a thief. I have no money… but I would never steal something. My dad was a cop after all._ Pink lips pressed in a thin line she entered the aisle with the shower gels and shampoos. The whirring sound followed her but Nelly ignored it, and studied the selection of shower gels. Strawberry, Cinnamon, Mango, Vanilla.

 

Deep brown eyes swept over the shelves, and then stopped at a area with light blue bottles in different size. Baby shampoos. Her stomach flipped twice, and she sighed sadly. In another life, she would have purchased this together with Cailan. And he would buy her meat balls and better bread rolls too.

 

Wiping a tear away she crouched down and picked one of the baby-shower gels. It had a chamomile flavour, and a happy blonde baby with blue eyes was smiling toothily up at her. _I wonder if our baby… my baby has blue eyes as well…_ she thought dreamily, and again her hand wandered to the flat of her stomach. It had become a habit, even though it would take a few weeks more till the pregnancy started to show. _If I get the baby at all…_ She dropped the plastic bottle abruptly and squeezed her eyes shut. WIth a thumb the bottle landed on the floor, while she pressed one hand in front of her mouth. The sob was inaudible and she scrambled to a stand, body trembling and shaking.

 _No… I don't want to think like this… but it would be better… I´m seventeen. I´m alone… I can´t have a baby… I don't even have a good place to live._ These thoughts swirled in her head and Nelly choked back another sob, then grabbed without looking a shower gel and left the aisle with quick steps. Supporting herself on an freezer, she waited till the dizzy spell and the disgust at herself had passed. She still had time to decide… that. But she already knew deep down, that she couldn't make that decision alone. _If only Cailan was here…_ her treacherous mind whispered, and again Nelly squeezed her eyes shut. She inhaled deeply and counted to ten, before releasing the breath she was holding. Her vision cleared a little, and she wiped the cold sweat from her brow.

 

‘Let's finish the shopping first… one thing at a time…’ Nelly mumbled to herself and pushed away from the freezer. Bread Rolls dangling in the plastic back she had slung around her wrist, she went past the shelf with sweets, doing her best to ignore the colorful packages that promised heaven. _I don't have money for that. Maybe when I have found a job._

Sighing deeply she turned away. The shower gel was secure in her hand as she thought about an addition to the bread rolls. _Maybe marmalade or something._ On her way to the jars, she picked up two boxes with tea bags, and slid them into the plastic bag as well. The whirring sound had stopped following her, for which she was grateful. Shifting the plastic bag and slinging it over the other wrist, she grabbed a bag with salt sticks and rusk. They also found their way into the bag, and mentally Nelly kept stock on the total price.  

Suppressing a troubled sigh she stopped, and studied the spread variation in front of her.   _Something for under 2 dollars, that does not need to be cooled… let's see…_ Slender fingers slid over the different jars, and she tried to make a decision. Some of the jars were already out of question as she saw the prices. Others had weird flavours that made her stomach churn as she read the descriptions alone. _Vanilla-Mango-Melon? Who in Thedas eats this! It sounds gross!_

 

‘Can't decide, hm? Take this. Its really nice and not too sweet’ A deep humorous voice next to her right ear said, and a long arm stretched out over her shoulder and pointed to a cheesecake-spread. Nelly jumped back in shock and bumped into a hard chest, her hold on the bag with groceries loosening. In time lapse she watched how the bag ripped open, and everything fell to the ground with a loud thud. Her heart was beating rapidly and she just faintly noticed the large hands on her shoulders who prevented her from falling. Wide eyed and in horror she watched how the seven bread-rolls happily rolled through the aisle, and one of the tea boxes had been crushed by the shower gel bottle.

Said bottle had also burst, leaving a mess on the floor. _Oh maker… the shop owner is going to kill me for this...._ Nelly thought in panic, and felt hot and cold in a fast shift. The stranger behind her cursed, and she caught a whiff of an expensive cologne as the man bend down beside her and started picking up the bread rolls and other groceries.

‘I'm so sorry! Had I known that you are that jumpy, I would have used a bell to announce my presence’ he joked without looking up, eyes focused on his task and face turned away from her. Nelly stared dumbfounded at the stranger, taking in the midnight blue police uniform and gun, secured safely in its holster on the black leather belt. _A cop. Oh god…. I bumped into a cop._ Panic welled up in her and she took a step back. The dizzy spell returned full force and made her stagger, all blood left her face as she stared on the silver handcuffs.

 

 _What if he imprisons me because I injured him?!_ The thought was nonsense, but her brain was too hazed to function. Deep brown eyes were wide and alarmed, as the cop slowly rose and continued to speak. His words were muffled under the rushing of blood in her ears, and blanky she watched the full lips moving. He had the few undamaged bread rolls pressed against his chest gently, balancing the two tea bags and salt sticks in the other hand like an acrobat. Still, crumps adorned the expensive fabric of his attire, smudging it and making her feel even more nauseous. _I don't have the money to pay the cleaning of a uniform… oh Maker… I feel sick._ A broad frame, and at least 6, 3 feet tall. Nelly swallowed hard, and took another swaying step back. The police cap obscured his ginger blonde hair partially, but his hazel eyes were warm and twinkled with mirth, as he finally turned to her. Deep brown eyes fell on the silvery name-tag, that was attached on the right side of his chest, above the pocket.

 

**Sergeant A. Rutherford**

 

 _Strange… he looks so young for being a sergeant…_ Nelly thought dizzy, and focused on his face once more. Maybe it was the blood loss in her brain… but for a moment she thought he looked like Cailan. With less wrinkles, and the hair and eye color was wrong. But the facial features were the same. Strong jaw, dark stubble, long nose.

The amused smile on full lips vanished however in an instant, and his eyes widened. Her vision became dim, colorful dots started to dance before her eyes. _I feel sick… oh god i can't throw up now… Oh Maker…_ She made a strangled sound and then her eyes rolled back in her head. The cop dropped the groceries and pitched forward as she fell, but she was already caught by strong arms, and lowered gently to the ground. A whimper escaped her pale lips and she laid her trembling hand protectively on her stomach, then everything went black.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nope. That name is not a mistake. Thehe.


	5. Chapter 5

 

 

Beep. Beep. Beep.

 

Nelly drew her eyebrows together. Long eyelashes fluttered before she opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling. White, impersonal. Clinical. A faint sting at the back of her right hand. It increased as she moved said hand, the pain radiating to her wrist and up.  _ Ouch… where am I. What happened? _   Eyes trained on the ceiling still, she bend her knees a little. The mattress underneath her was soft, as well as the sheets. The smell was clean, even a little aseptic.

 

Beep. Beep. Beep. 

 

A steady tune, and her ears twitched at the sound. Her gaze moved away from the ceiling and to the device on her right. A white box on a metallic pedestal. On a dark green screen, lines and numbers flickered in the same color but lighter.  _ Heartlines? A symbol for a beating heart? _ The steady beep beep came from it, and Nelly blinked. _ I have seen such a thing before. When I had a accident with my bike when I was ten. A heart monitor. But they just exist in hospitals. Why should.... _

 

‘Ah, You're awake.’ A soft deep voice said, and Nelly flinched in shock. Deep brown eyes went wide and she sat up, wincing as the pain on the back of her hand flared up. The sheets bunched around her waist, and just now she realized that she was dressed in a medical scrub. It left her back bare, and hurriedly she leaned back against the propped up pillows.  The man who stood in the doorway smiled soothingly at her, white teeth flashing between a full grown, but well groomed  black beard. His skin was fair, but many laugh lines adorned his handsome face. 

He stepped closer, his blue eyes fixed on her and the white doctor´s coat swishing while he walked. His hair was sticking out in a spiky hairstyle, deep black and making it difficult to pinpoint his real age. Nelly returned the smile shyly and bunched the soft sheets in front of her chest, her movement stopped by a long tube that connected the needle with the infusion that was hung up above the the heart monitor.  _ So this is why my hand hurts… they gave me an infusion…  _

‘How do you feel?’ The doctor asked softly, following her curious gaze to the infusion, then around the patient's room. 

‘Strange...’ Nelly admitted nervously and tried to cover herself more with the sheets. She didn´t liked hospitals. In a hospital like this, her father had died. Because the doctors weren't able to help him. The turmoil of emotions must have shown on her face, because a gentle but gloved hand touched hers. 

‘It will pass’ the Doctor said in his soothing tone and then sat down at the edge of the bed, opening the patient record he was carrying. 

‘I need you to answer me some questions’ he said next and Nelly nodded slowly, using the sheets unintentionally as a shield of sorts to hide behind. His expression turned serious, businesslike.

 

‘Name and Age?’

‘Nelly Lavellan. I´m seventeen’ The sound of a roller pen scratching over paper was heard, and then the doctor looked up again.

‘Adress?’ 

She hesitated for a moment at that, and then swallowed. 

‘Guerrin Protectory, here in Denerim. My legal guardian is Mr. Teagan Guerrin’ her voice shaking as she spoke. Mr. Teagan hadn't even called once since she was thrown out.  _ So much for ‘I´m always here for you, Nelly.’ _ She thought bitterly. The doctor made a humming sound as she named the address, but didn´t commented further on it. As she glanced at the question paper, she saw that he had made an X next to her Name and the name of her legal guardian. 

 

A feeling of dread pooled in her, and nervously she tucked a strand of ash blonde hair behind her ear. The silence stretched uncomfortably, while the Doctor continued to scribble down on the paper. 

‘Ehm… Why am I here?’ She asked finally, and picked on her fingernail.

‘You fainted yesterday in the supermarket in the market district. 82. Street.’ The doctor said softly, and Nelly looked up in surprise.. Then her eyes widened in fear and she wrapped both arms around her stomach. Everything came crashing back. Her break up with Cailan. The pregnancy. Her dirty hotel room. She had gone to a supermarket nearby to buy things. How she had bumped into a officer. And then stumbled backwards. How everything had went black.

  
  


‘The baby! Is my baby alright?!’  She asked in a shrill voice, that cracked at the ends. As answer she heard the rustling of papers as the doctor shifted through the patient record, then handed her a small black and white photograph. Eyes narrowed in confusion she looked up at the Doctor, then at the photo.  Hesitantly she took the picture from his hands and studied it. At first, she didn't knew why he had given it to her.

‘I guess this answers my question about the pregnancy. Here.’ The doctor said and pointed after a short glance on the photograph at a tiny bubble, nestled in a corner of the large black and white area. Then her mouth went dry.

The heart monitor mirrored her faster heartbeat with a more hectic beeb beeb beeb, as she fixated on the tiny object.

 

‘Is this…’ Nelly asked in an awestruck whisper, and the Doctor nodded with a smile as she glanced up at him for a moment.

‘Yes. And to answer your question: the baby is alright. But you were lucky that Inspector Rutherford caught you. A fall in such an early stage of pregnancy can be very dangerous’ the doctor told her in a soft voice, but Nelly just partially listened.  _ My baby… This is my baby… _ She thought and tears welled up in her eyes as she traced the tiny bubble.  _ My baby… my little baby… _

 

The world vanished around her, all that mattered was that picture in her trembling hands.  _ The first picture of my baby… If only Cailan would be here…  _ At the thought of him, she swallowed hard and wiped a tear away. As if on cue, the doctor asked: 'Is there someone we should call? Your parents? Boyfriend? It would be dangerous for you to go home alone in your weakened state’ 

 

Nelly bit her bottom lip and then slowly, very slowly, shook her head. Looking up at the doctor, she pressed the sonogram over her heart.  _ What should I tell him? When he discovers that I'm all alone, he may be takes my baby away.  _ The thought came unbidden, but still she paled at the thought. Trembling now for a different reason, she evaded his blue gaze, and looked onto the nametag on his white coat. 

 

**Dr. med. D Amell.**

**Sacred Heart Hospital**

**Denerim**

 

_Oh god... This Is the hospital where my father died._ Her throat constricted and she squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn´t remember her father clearly. The only things left where his smile, and his soft deep laugh whenever she had told him from her day at school. It made her heart pinch painfully.  _I wish he was here... He could help me..._ swallowing hard she collected herself.

‘I… I will call My Guerrin later myself, so he can pick me up’ Nelly said in the most persuading voice she could muster. Instantly she felt bad for lying to this doctor, who had been nothing but nice to her. She also felt his eyes still on her even after she had stopped talking and angled for her sweatpants which were piled up on a chair next to the bed. For a few seconds he didn't said anything and she busied herself with pulling her smartphone out and unlocking the display. 

 

Sonogram still pressed against her chest with the other hand she scrolled through the contacts. At the name of her legal guardian she hesitated, but then scrolled further till she found Cailan's number.  _ When he hears that I'm in hospital, then he will come and help me. I´m sure. It is our baby. He always wanted a baby, he told me that.   _ The thought gave her strength and as she looked back up to the doctor, she smiled a little. 

‘Thank you for your help… and the photo.’ Then she contemplated for a moment and added shyly. 

‘Can you give me the bill for the treatment?  I don´t have money with me right now’ 

The doctor raised his eyebrows at that, and then rose from the bed. 

‘There is no need. All bills are already paid.’ He said slowly and Nelly felt relieved, even though a tiny voice inside her wondered why and who had paid.  _ Maybe the Guerrin protectory? _

 

‘So… I can go now?’ She asked hesitantly and Dr. Amell nodded slowly, his gaze calculating.  _ He isn't buying my story about the protectory one bit. He knows that they will never accept a pregnant teenie.  _ But to her surprise, he closed the infusion and pulled after a short preparation the needle out from her hand and plastered the tiny wound. The he squeezed her hand once and undid the clip on her left pinky which had observed her heartbeat and blood pressure. 

‘Of course. I will write down some medics you will need. Mostly vitamins, and something against morning sickness’ he said and pulled a prescription pad from his coat, scribbling down something on it. Afterwards he handed her the recipe, and closed the patient record. 

 

‘Make sure you´ll drink enough water. Next time there maybe won´t be a quick witted man like Inspector Rutherford who catches you and brings you to the hospital.’ He said with a wink, but his face remained calculating. Nelly smiled sheepishly and nodded, unable to hold eye contact to the doctor any longer.  _ Inspector Rutherford? No.. It was a Sergeant who I bumped into.  _  Shaking her head she shifted to the edge of the mattress and angled for her clothes. The sound of retreating footsteps and the soft click of a door told her, that the Doctor had left the room without another word. 

_ Maybe It´s better this way…  _ She thought and pulled the medical scrub over her head, then slipped back in her old clothes. A little dizziness remained as she stood next to the bed but she breathed deeply, then laid the sonogram on the white sheets in front of her. 

With a small but proud smile she snapped a photo, and send it via Whatsapp to Cailan's number. He had been last online at 7:43 o'clock this morning but she knew that he had his smartphone always close.  

 

Afterwards she typed a small message, hesitating and considering her words several times.

 

 

**[11:55] Nelly: _-_** _**Picture-** (Message read at 11:58)_

 

**[12:01] Nelly: This is our baby… I fainted yesterday in a supermarket. I´m in the Sacred Heart Hospital right now, but the Doctor told me that I could leave. please can you pick me up shortly? I will wait in front of the building. Please, we need to talk. I can´t do this alone.** _ (Message read at 12:01) _

 

**[12:08] Nelly: cailan... Please. I have seen that you went online and read my message.** _ (Message read at 12:12) _

 

**[12:20] Nelly: I´m sitting on the bench next to the entrance door. Please come soon.** _ (Message read at 12:21) _

 

**[12:43] Nelly: Cailan?** _ (Message read at 12:46) _

 

**[12:55] Nelly: cailan please… I don´t have money for a cap. It's too far to walk to the hotel. Tell me at least if you can pick me up.** _ (Message read at 12:58) _

 

**[12:58] Nelly: _One unanswered call._** _(Rejected)_

  
**[13:10] Nelly: cailan… please…**

 

**[13:12] Nelly: _One unanswered call._** _(Rejected)_

 

**[13:20] Nelly: cailan.... please cailan. Answer me!** _(Message read at 13:22)_

 

**[13:22] Nelly: _One unanswered call_** _(Rejected)_ _  
_

 

**13:28] Nelly: Cailan... please cailan please... I love you... please...** _(Message read at 13:30)_

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicidal thoughts in this chapter! Poor, poor Nelly.

 

 

 

The wind tousled greasy strands of her hair. She shivered and tucked the collar of her sweat jacket higher to shield her body from the chilly breeze. It had started to darken, and the light post to her right flickered with a warm yellow glow to life. Nelly tucked a strand of ash blonde hair behind her ear and sighed. Dark brown eyes stared absently at the illuminated display of the smartphone in her right hand.

  
**_0 new messages_ **  
**_0 missed calls_ **  
**_Battery 14%_ **

  
Pouty lips twitched as she suppressed another sob. Instead she closed her eyes, and loosened her hold on the smartphone. _I am not important to him… we are not important to him…_ she thought, and slid the mobile in the pocket of her jacket. _And even if he had been in a meeting the whole day… it´s almost 19 o´clock now. He must have finished his work by now_. That was the downside of her job and ill advised relationship. She had memorized his working schedule perfectly. Knew when he would make a break, because he had always wanted her to be there and spent the time with her. The things he had made her do… Even though she hadn´t liked some of the things. But she had done them anyway, because she had loved him. Loved him still. And a small part of her still hoped that he would call. Take back the horrible words. _He told me that he loved me… That I am the only good thing in his life… that he wants a future with me..._

Her stomach churned as she imagined him coming home from work. To his wife Anora. Nelly still could not believe that Cailan had lied to her about that. _I had an relationship with a married man. I helped him cheat on his wife. The man who was my first is a cheater. And I was just his toy._ Squeezing her eyes shut, Nelly imagined him coming home. Kissing Anora in greeting, hugging her. Bringing her flowers. And Anora didn't even knew that she had been betrayed. She thought her life was perfect.

 

With an handsome wealthy husband, living together inn a big mansion in one of the finest districts of Denerim. A spark of jealousy mixed with the sadness she felt, and Nelly whimpered almost inaudibly. Cailan´s words echoed in her head still, how mean he had been at their break up, and as she had been standing on his doorstep.

Eyes closing she wiped a tear away from her cheek, and wrapped her arms around herself. The passengers who walked past didn't cared for her crouched form, and the base cap hid her tearful state from prying eyes. Another tear rolled down her cheek and this time she didn't wiped it away, simply bend her upper body further. The feel of loneliness and betrayal was overwhelming, and she felt as if she couldn't breathe. _I am all alone now. No one cares for me… He never really loved me. I was just an distraction. But I can´t stop loving him… Cailan… please..._

Nelly stifled a sob and pressed both hands against her face. The tiny voice inside her mocked her. For still being here on his bench. Sitting like an unwanted puppy for hours, hoping for someone to appear… who made it distinctly clear that he had neither patience nor interest in her anymore. How stupid. How pathetic. Just a distraction. A trophy. Rage bubbled up in her, battling with the despair for dominance. The powerful clash of emotions stressed her further and she began to tremble. Tears fell freely now, and the wind blew more coldly in her face. It reminded her painfully of where she was. The prescription with the vitamins was still in her pocket, left untouched since she had taken it from the doctor. _I don´t even have enough money for buying the medicine I need so the baby stays healthy… I can´t be a mommy…_

Her thoughts became darker and she pressed her lips in a thin line, _one_ hand sliding down her face and curling on her belly. _All alone… all alone…_ As if mocking her it started to rain, blurring her vision further. Rationally, she knew that she had to move. Out of the rain and cold. Into warmth. Get something to eat. To drink. It would only get colder and darker, the longer she was sitting here. Denerim at night was dangerous, especially for a young girl like her.

 

But her hotel was at least two hours of walking away, in another district of Denerim. She didn't had enough money to use the bus, or even a cab. And going back to the hospital? The doctor had been friendly, yes. But he would call the police without any doubt, and they would take the baby away. Because it would be clear to them then that she couldn't take care of the baby. Nelly hiccuped and the hand on her belly splayed out protectively. _Maybe I can stay here… freeze to death…_ it was a dark thought, but still she remained sitting. The rain had picked up, becoming stronger and drenching her within minutes.

Nelly closed her eyes and tipped her head back, letting the thick raindrops hit her face without protection. Water mixed with tears and she felt it running down her collar. Drops slid down her skin and intensified the chill she felt. Dyíng of exposure is like falling asleep. She heard the voice of her biology teacher echo in her head. You feel cold first, and then get sleepy. The trembling of your body lessens, signaling your end. It was one of the reasons why so many beggar´s were found frozen to death in the winter months. They simply fell asleep, not knowing how dangerous their situation was.

Nelly sighed. It was an almost painless way to die. And would end all her problems. The hand on her belly twitched. _I´m sorry that I couldn't be stronger for us…_ please don´t be angry with me... Faintly she heard the splashing of water as passengers ran past her, eager to escape the rain and get home. No one shared her a second glance and it was another painful sign how dispensable she was. _No one will miss me when I´m gone… No one… I-_

Suddenly the rain stopped pouring down her face, and she drew her eyebrows together in confusion. Has it stopped raining already? No… She still could hear the rain splash on the parchment. But also… dull on something else. Like on a tent plane. _Strange…_

 

‘Hey. Don´t sit around here like that! You will catch a cold, Bonnie.’ a male voice said and her eyes snapped open at her childhood nickname. Confused she looked up. A man stood in front of her, clad in casual blue jeans, black sneakers and a black sweater. Protectively he held an umbrella over them both, shielding her from the downpour.. His face was cast in the shadows, so she couldn't see him clear.  
‘How…’ she began, but the stranger stretched his gloved hand out to her.  
‘Come one. Lets get you out of the rain.’ the stranger said, and for a moment she was able to catch a glimpse of his lips, full and pulled in a teasing smile.

‘Who are you?’ She asked with crumbling resistance and the stranger chuckled. No waiting for an answer he took her hand. The warmth of his body seeped through her even through the leather gloves and he pulled her upwards so she staggered against him. Instinctively her hands curled in the soft fabric of his sweater, and she was enveloped by his warmth and scent. An expensive cologne, a mix of sandalwood and patchouli. But these scents she just noticed absently. I don´t know this man. But his voice sounds so familiar...

The stranger seemed oblivious to her thoughts, and had already wrapped one arm around her, guiding her soft but insistent in the direction of a car. Nelly had difficulty to fight against the impulse to lean into him. How long had it been since someone had hugged her? The answer to that particular question made tears gather anew in her eyes as she recalled the last intimate encounter with Cailain. Who had created this mess.

 

The motor was running and she finally regained her senses as they reached the car door.  
‘No. Wait! I don´t even know you! I won´t go into a car with a stranger!’ Nelly exclaimed and found the strength to leave the stranger´s comforting embrace. Instantly she felt cold, missing the warmth. To compensate she wrapped her arms around herself, then took two more steps away from him. Again the rain poured down on her, obscuring her sight. She shivered but tried her best to appear strong, as the the stranger finally turned towards her.

The lamp post to their right illuminated his face, and she blanched. The sergeant from yesterday! Nelly stiffened, while dark brown eyes flickered all over his face. Then she felt her mouth go dry, as she saw the ginger blonde hair, spiked up at the front - no longer obscured by the police cap. Hazel eyes twinkled in the light as she stared up at him, and everything fell into place. His voice. The way he smiled. There was just one man who would suggest something with cheese. Nelly blinked and took a unsteady step in the stranger´s direction, stretching her hand out to him. As she spoke, her voice was just a whisper, almost inaudible against the loud splashing of the rain.

‘Alistair?!’

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always suggest subscribing me. As you may have noticed, my update schedule is... not existent ;-) I write and post only when my muse strikes and I´m completely happy with a chapter. :)  
> .  
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> My tumblr-ID: http://sasha-alerion.tumblr.com/ (ask is on - message me!)  
> Skype: Lil-Kjay (again. Message me - I won´t bite ;) )
> 
> => Comments, opinions and motivation are ALWAYS welcome! :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Omg... I cried while writing this...

 

 

The nightly city rushed past them in a blur. Temple leaned against the window of the car Nelly looked outside. Soft music played in the background, sometimes interrupted by the anchorman who tried way too hard to be funny. The scent of new leather and cologne filled the warm air. Alistair had turned on the seat heater for her, combined with his leather jacket over her shivering body a cocoon of warmth. Still, Nelly shivered.

 _Alistair is here… he is here…_ she thought with a fast beating hard, stealing glances now and then over to her childhood friend. He had his gaze focused on the street, although one hand was placed on her knee. Radiating warmth, comfort and salvation. The air in the car was nearly too hot, but he had insisted while chiding her gently for sitting in the rain. A small part of her wondered why he came back at all. He left the Guerrin estate ten years ago. Nelly had felt betrayed back then, not able to be happy for his chance to live an own life.

No, instead of saying goodbye and wishing him the best, she had thrown a tantrum. And the amulet he gave her at the beginning of their friendship. ‘Go on, live your life without me!’ she remembered her hurt self yell all these years ago. ‘You are just like the others. Always leaving me alone! I hate you!’ The look he gave her... 

 

Nelly squeezed her eyes shut at the memory, trembling hand blindly fumbling for his larger one on her knee. A tear rolled down her cheek, as shame and guilt washed over her. All his attempts to reach out for her, she had blocked. Never answered his messages, letters, calls. Too deep was the thorn of betrayal in her heart. ‘Friends forever, no matter what’. It was their motto. And while she had failed him… Alistair came back.

 

‘Why?’ Nelly whispered in a choked tone, opening glazed eyes to look at her childhood friend. For a moment a warm hazel gaze grazed her small form, then he smiled softly.

‘Why not?’ Alistair quipped in an amused tone and stopped the car at the red traffic light. As he leaned over to brush the tear away, the scent of his cologne enveloped her. Expensive. Just like his car. His clothes. The sleeve of his shirt rucked up a little, her eyes dropping on the expensive watch at his wrist. More cologne, luring her in.

 

‘I promised to protect you, Bonnie. This hasn’t changed just because we are older now.’

‘But… I am only a burden’ Nelly whispered, to which Alistair only raised his eyebrows.

‘Why? Because it’s your hobby to faint in the supermarket? Don't say such stupid things.’

At this she smiled unwillingly and glanced up at him. He winked and then focused on the street once more as the traffic light turned green. His words resonated in her heart. Maybe this was a chance. Maybe he could help her. Make everything alright. He already had offered her to stay at his place for the night. Maybe…

 

The sound of a phone ringing turned off the anchorman and his silly tale of two towels, as well as her thoughts. Alistair absently tipped on the display at the dashboard, answering the call.

‘Cheeseking speaking’ He quipped and Nelly barely suppressed a giggle, which earned her an amused glance of sparkling hazel eyes. The caller seemed to hesitate for a moment and she sneaked a peek on the display. It was one single word.

 

 

**_Master_ **

 

 

Nelly narrowed her eyes at the strange name then glanced back to Alistair, who thrummed with his fingers on the steering wheel.

‘Alistair’ A deep voice breathed, the timbre raising goosebumps on her damp skin. Next she heard a deep exhale. Just one word, but it changed Alistair’s whole behavior at once. He sobered up quickly and pulled his hand away from her knee. Instantly she missed the warmth of his palm, but knew better than to speak up. Cailan… never appreciated it when she interrupted his phone calls. The thought of him made her heart feel heavy, and concealed by the leather jacket she placed her hand on the flat of her stomach. No. She couldn’t burden Alistair with this. Cailan was… is… a man with influence. She would only complicate, destroy the life her childhood friend had built for himself.

 

Caught up in her own thoughts she missed the short dialogue between Alistair and his… Master. Instead she glanced out of the window again, the smile gone from her face.

The single beep which ended the phone call was her sign to act.

‘You… you can let me out over there’ Nelly said in a croaking voice and pointed to a canopied bus stop.

‘Why? It’s not far anymore to my flat. I could make you-‘ He inquired confused and she grit her teeth. No. It was enough that she destroyed her own life. She would not pull Alistair down with her.

‘Please, Alistair.’ She said with the most convincing voice she could muster and flashed him a fake smile. The expression he gave her was a mix of confusion and hurt, but obediently he pulled the car to the right and turned off the motor.

 

Afterwards he turned in his seat and glanced past her outside. The bus station was well lit, like a single flame in the dark. Rain poured down steadily, never having decreased since their drive to his flat.

‘It doubt it is safe here’ Alistair tried again but Nelly already had unbuckled her belt and folded his leather jacket. Holding it out to him she opted for another smile, swallowing down the fear she felt.

‘No, I know this bus station. The bus stops here every twenty minutes. From there its just a short drive to my home’ She tried to convince him and earned a raised eyebrow in response.

‘You live in the Market district?’ Alistair asked casually and she nearly winced. How very convincing that a seventeen year old could afford a flat in this district. But shame washed over her, stopping her from telling the truth. Other thoughts entered her mind. Alistair had a good life. Wealthy, a job good paid. He would not let her go when he found out that she lived in the alienage. The poorest district of Denerim. Several emotions flickered over her face and she felt tears well up in her eyes at the absurdity of her hope. No. Alistair would be disgusted when he found out. Better end this now, before she became to attached.

 

With vigor she shoved the leather jacket in his lap and turned away, opening the door of the car.

‘Thank you for driving me, Alistair. It was nice to see you again’ Nelly said with a voice she hoped sounded convincing, even though the loud splashing sound of the rain ruined her facade somewhat. Involuntarily she shivered at the drop of temperature. So cold... Just as she was about to leave the car, a hand on her wrist stopped her.

‘Wait’ Alistair said and slid one hand in his pocket, retrieving his business card.

 

‘Call me when I can help you somehow, alright? I don’t want to lose you again’ he sounded so pleading and hopeful that Nelly took the card with a heavy heart and nodded. She flashed him a smile and enclosed the card in her small palm.

‘I will. Thank you and good night.’ She said with a small smile and left the car, closing the door behind her with finality. With quick steps she sprinted under the canopied bus stop, feeling hazel eyes resting on her shivering form. _Please go. Don’t tempt me with a life I can never have… you are better off without me…_ she thought but plastered a smile on her face. Looking over her shoulder she waved at him cheerfully, sending a thankful prayer to the heavens as he finally started the car.

 

The business card in her hand seared her skin and with another cheerful wave she watched the car enter the side of the road again. Nelly swallowed hard and watched the car drive away, farther and farther away from her. When she couldn’t see the backlights anymore she took a shuddering breath and dropped the business card in a bin next to the bus schedule. It was better this way.

 

Letting the tears run freely down her face she left the bus station and walked briskly in the general direction of the alienage district. A walk of maybe two hours, in the middle of the night. But she deserved it. She only was a burden.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

 

**One and a half months later**

 

As silent as possible, Nelly closed the door to her hotel room and locked it. The transparent bag dangled from her left wrist, containing two sandwiches, one chocolate bar and a dented can Coca Cola. Like every night she ventured over to the gas station at the end of the block. The owner was a kind old man, who gave her the leftovers and damaged groceries from the prior day. For free. It was a relief that even in all this darkness around her, some people still seemed to care.

Nelly dropped her treasures on the dirty bed with a sigh and walked over to the table. The sweat jacket slid from her thin shoulders and was neatly spread over the nearby chair to dry. Absently her hand came to a rest on the soft swell of her belly. Almost three months. Face twisting into a sad grimace she bent down and shrugged off her sneakers, placing them under the chair.

 

Nearly three months and Cailan hadn’t even called once. The sonogram which the doctor back in Hospital gave her, was pinned with a thin needle over the nightstand. Every morning, every evening. The first and last thing she saw. Sad brown eyes flickered across the room as she went over there, combing with her fingers through her damp blonde hair before pulling it back up into a ponytail.  With a sigh Nelly sank down on the bed, arms propped up on her knees. It was all too much. With every day she grew weaker. The sandwiches not enough in the slightest to keep her and the baby healthy.

And she knew it. The sweatpants hung low on her hips, hipbones more prominent than ever. Arms thin and her skin dry, Nelly was in a truly sorry state. No money. No one who could help her truly. The owner of the hotel seemed to have guessed her… condition, because even though she was overdue with the rent for nearly one month – he hadn’t thrown her out yet. She was thankful for that. But even his patience would wear thin someday.

 

A single tear rolled down her cheek and Nelly leaned back, stretching out on the mattress. Her smartphone now constantly at the charger, it’s battery broken. No longer able to function. But there was no use for it anyway. Her prepaid card was empty, not even ten cents left. Another tear escaped her eyes as she recalled the last phone call she made. Dialing Cailan’s number, hoping desperately he would pick it up. But as always… only his mailbox answered her.

Rolling on her side, Nelly suppressed a hiccup. Her life was a misery. In situations like these… she regretted having thrown away the business card of her childhood friend. The hand of Alistair on her knee… the only and last social contact she had in months. What was she thinking?! Of course he would have helped her. Given his background, an orphan like her. His Mother died during childbirth, his father was unknown.

 

Sniffling, Nelly stretched one hand out and pulled the bag closer. It scratched over the dirty sheets, but the pungent scent of old linen was common to her now. This was her life. And the future life of her baby…She angled for the chocolate bar and sat up afterwards, putting it into her nightstand. A small amount of sweets was already gathered there. Her own small collection. Candy, lollypops, chocolate bars, cookies. But she didn’t dare to eat even one. It was all for the baby. Again her hand settled on the soft swell of her stomach. At least she could give her baby sweets, if nothing else. It was no replacement for things like good clothing, playdo’s and a college found.

But… it was a start. And maybe, she would be able to find a job soon. Her pinned note at the gas station had gathered some interest, the owner told her earlier.

 

Sighing sadly, Nelly shuffled in a comfortable position on the bed and turned on the TV. With a humming, fizzling sound it sprang to life, flickering first before the screen became clear. Melody and laughter filled the small dirty hotel room and Nelly picked one of the sandwiches from the bag. Truth to be told, she wasn’t hungry at all. But she needed to eat. For her baby. Swallowing down the nausea she felt, she unwrapped the paper from the sandwich and took a bite. Dry and crumbly, the cream cheese sticky and not tasty at all.

She grimaced and focused on the screen completely, trying to distract herself from the disgusting taste.

 

A movie about a little lion cub, whose father died at an accident. The little cub was sad about this and blamed himself, running away. First he was in solitude and misery, but soon found friends who helped him to recover. Showed him the wrongness of his thoughts. And he found love too. A sweet female cub, with pretty blue eyes. Nelly smiled absently and picked up the glass with stale water from the nightstand and sipped. It was sweet to watch these two lovebirds cuddle and play. And in the end, he became the king of his country, with his girlfriend at his side. Happy. Content. They had a baby too, which they named Kiara. It was sweet, sickly sweet.

 

Something so far away from reality. Her reality. The hand resting on the soft swell of her belly curled. Oh how she wished to give her baby this. A real family. A home, laughter, love. A father who adored it. And her. Nelly swallowed and felt anew tears welling up in her eyes. This wasn't how she had pictured her life.

‘I am all alone…’ she whispered and her gaze drifted away from the TV screen, and out to the window. Tears ran now freely down her cheeks, resolve broken finally. She couldn’t do this alone. If only there was someone she could talk to. Someone who listened to her sorrows. Her fears. Who gave her the feel of being loved...

 

‘You’re not alone. Our schooled operators will listen to your worries, give advice and simply be there for you!’ Deep brown eyes snapped up in surprise and Nelly looked up at the screen once more. A pretty woman with red chin length hair and green eyes was smiling down at her, a phone in her hand.

‘If you need someone to talk to, don’t hesitate to call us. 24 hours a day, seven days a week.’ The kind woman said in a lilting orlesian accent and pointed in a flourish down to six numbers, appearing at the screen.

‘Call one one six, one one one! Our services are free and we will do our best to help you!’

 

Frozen Nelly stared up at the screen, trying to progress what she saw. Her heart was beating fast and pounding as she finally sprang into action. Grabbing her smartphone with trembling hands she unlocked the screen. The smiling image of Cailan and her flashed towards her and she nearly dropped the phone. Squeezing her eyes shut and pressing one hand in front of her mouth to stop the sobs becoming louder and louder, she blindly dialed the number and lifted the smartphone to her ear.

The automatic female voice of her phone company kindly reminded her of the low credit of her prepaid card, but then just as promised in the TV spot, she heard the phone line connect, followed by the steady _ring ring ring._

Slender fingers curled around her smartphone and Nelly held her breath, as the phone was picked up. A deep baritone voice, soft and calm met her ears, as the operator of the helpline answered the phone.

‘Crisis line. My name is Cullen. How may I help you?’

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
> .  
> .  
>  On a serious note: If you are in need of help (maybe in a similar situation as Nelly), don't hesitate to call and reach out for it!  
> If friends, relatives or family aren't an option, here are some phone numbers which may help you. As always, the local emergency numbers work as well.  
>  _(And if one of my readers has a number I didn't mentioned here, feel free to but it with name of the Country/State in the comments, then I will add it to the list!)_
> 
> Crisis Line Germany (all free as far as I know):  
> Nummer gegen Kummer: 116 111  
> Telefonseelsorge: 0800 1110111 // 0800 1110222  
> Hilfetelefon für schwangere (anonym): 0800 4040020  
> Kinder-und Jugendtelefon: 0800 1110333  
> Elterntelefon: 0800 1110550
> 
> Crisis Lines USA (Free as far as I know):  
> Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696  
> Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433  
> LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255  
> Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386  
> Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743  
> Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438  
> Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673  
> Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272  
> Runaway: 1-800-843-5200 // 1-800-843-5678 // 1-800-621-4000


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. :)  
> Took me a while to find a proper start for this conversation.

 

 

At first, her tongue felt too heavy too speak. Why would speaking with this stranger of a crisis line be of any help for her? Nelly closed her eyes, dried tears letting eyelashes stick together. All alone...  

‘I... I...’ she tried to start, but got no further. Again and again her throat seized up, heavy lump making her choke. Pressing thumb and forefinger of her other hand against  eyelids to keep tears locked away, she took a deep breath. Or tried to. It came out as a wheezing, ragged something, carrying all the pain she felt in these past months. The stranger on the other side - Cullen - seemed to shift in his chair, because she dimly was aware of metal and plastic creaking. Internally she steeled herself for his anger to call a helpline only to stammer and be silent then, squandering his time. But instead...

 

‘It`s okay. Breathe. Breathe with me.’ this Cullen said, deep baritone voice strangely soothing. Like a balm, a warm blanket settling over her bony shoulders.

‘Inhale.’ just one word, a command. Then demonstrated it, inhaling long and deep. Audible through a crackling sound in the speakers, Nelly felt goosebumps raise on her arms.

‘Exhale.’ he said after three seconds had passed, breath leaving him in a soft rush. It sounded strange that someone commanded her to do the simplest of reflexes a human being could do. But as if guided by an invisible hand, obeyed.

 

Slowly the painful press of fingers against her eyes lessened, and at his next deep inhale she followed. Air filled her lungs, fawning past the loosening lump in her throat. All that she heard was her heartbeat and the way Cullen assisted her, administering and supporting as she made this breathing technique. Three times, four, five. It felt intimate, in a foreign but comforting way. After the fifth in-and exhale, he made a deep humming sound, approval given like a caress. How long had it been since someone approved of something she did? One slender hand curled over the soft swell of her belly. Barely there, only visible if you knew what you were looking for.

 

Silence settled in the line, but now instead of fear of being scolded, Nelly felt a comforting safety envelop her.

‘Thank you...’ she whispered softly, eyes opening and looking up to the sonogram pinned on the wall. Something on the other side of the phone scratched, and Nelly imagined that maybe Cullen was smiling now, the scratching sound a beard or stubble against the case of the phone. Or headset, whatever operators were using.

 

‘Take your time. We will start this when you are ready.’ He said instead of commenting on what they just did and Nelly bit her bottom lip, nodding to herself. She leaned forward then, plucking the sonogram from the wall. Like a treasure she placed it in her lap, one forefinger tracing the barely there bean on it. She wondered how much her baby must have grown in one and a half month. But with no health insurance, she wouldn’t get another sonogram. And also... not the medication the nice doctor had prescribed her. Nelly swallowed hard and placed her hand back on the soft swell,  whispering a inaudible apology to her baby. How could she be a good mommy... when she couldn’t even afford the medication it... they both... needed to be healthy?

 

‘My name Is Nelly.’ She finally whispered in the phone, eyes closing as she focused fully on the conversation.

‘Hello, Nelly.’ was the soft response, deep baritone voice once more blanketing her. He sounded like home, a man you could lean against in dire times. Of course these helplines would chose someone like him. With only his voice, he was able to calm her down so quickly. She smiled faintly and curled her fingers around the case on the phone, taking a deep breath.

 

‘I... I am seventeen. And pregnant. About... three months along I think.’ A deep inhale on the other side of the line the only acknowledgment that he had heard. He seemed to collect his thoughts because as he answered, Cullen’s voice seemed even softer than before.

‘And how do you feel, Nelly?’

 

No judgement as of why she got pregnant so young. How she had been so stupid or careless. No questions about the circumstances of the pregnancy. She bit her bottom lip again, warmth blossoming in her chest. Instead, this stranger focused on her alone. On her situation now. Not the past or the future. This man, even though she didn’t knew him. Right then she wished she would know him.

 

‘I... am not sure...’ She answered after a few seconds, shifting on the bed. Sitting more comfortably with her back against the headboard, Nelly lifted the sonogram in front of her face. Studying it with tender eyes.

‘... sometimes I feel so much love for the... baby... and then other times I am so incredibly terrified...’

‘Terrified of what?’ Calm and patient, it prompted her to smile again. A bit more this time.

‘Terrified of if I can do it. That I fail us both. But... I... I... I don’t want to... let it be... make it... abort-’ no she couldn’t say the word. Too cruel. Whatever happens... never that. In an instant her throat seized up again, a choking sound tumbling over her lips. The reaction was immediately.

 

‘Sh... It`s okay... breathe...’ Cullen replied softly, and it was as if he was sitting directly next to her. If she only closed her eyes she could imagine it. This stranger without a face... being right here, like a rock in the rough sea of her mind. To underline his words he inhaled deeply, a signal she followed without thinking. Nelly felt herself relax, tongue darting out afterwards to lick her lips.

 

‘I... I want to... keep it.’ She admitted after a few calming breaths, finger tracing the bean on the sonogram again.

'Alright' he acknowledged. ‘Do you have someone who can support you?’ There it was. the question she dreaded.

‘No. The... father of the child is ignoring me... and... my best friend... I... lost his number.’ At this part she mumbled, remembering how she dumped Alistair`s number and her only chance at support in the trash bin at the bus station. Cullen on the other side of the phone seemed to nod to her words, with an acknowledging hum monitoring her to continue.

‘My dad died when I was four. I grew up in a foster home...’ It sounded pitiful, even to her own ears. But this, sadly, was her life. Often she had wondered what her life would have been, if her dad hadn’t died. He would support her now, she was sure of it.

 

Again plastic and leather creaked, so sudden that it made Nelly jump a bit.

‘When you were four?’ he asked, a strange undertone in his voice. Still soft, comforting. But also something else was hidden underneath it. A emotion she couldn’t name, couldn’t place. Not threatening, no. Simply… elusive.

‘I... is this conversation... in confidence?’ Nelly gnawed at her bottom lip now, needing the confirmation before she could speak further.

‘....yes. Yes. of course.’ His voice sounded so breathy, agitated in a way she couldn’t understand. But he gave her his word and so she decided to answer the earlier question.

 

‘My dad was Gregoir Cousland-Lavellan. He was a cop in Redcliffe. The commander of the local unit there.’

‘Kinloch Hold.’ her opponent said in a strained tone which she missed, pride swinging in her words as she recalled happier days.

‘Yes. The Kinloch Hold unit.’ She clarified, but then her voice quickly faltered as she continued.

‘He died at the explosion, as did almost everyone of his men.’ She swallowed, hearing the sharp inhale on the other side of the line.

‘I was... I was four when it happened. I have no other relatives so I was given to the guerrin protectory. And I stayed there till... till it became clear I was pregnant. Then I was sent away.’ Nelly paused, hearing more shuffling at the other end of the phone this way. The silence stretched and when Cullen finally spoke up again, his voice had a hoarse sound.

 

‘I... yes. I remember... Nelly... Nelly Lavellan....’ Audible swallow, her name strangely emphasized. For a heartbeat she thought of asking if he was alright - totally missing that he just said her full name - but then Cullen cleared his throat and with that seemed to settle once more in the confident but soft operator who would help her. She was sure of it.

‘Okay... Nelly...’ he said her name softly and she felt a strange fluttering in her stomach at it.

‘I normally don’t do this... but...’ clicking sounds at the other end of the phone, and then her own smartphone gave a beep. _Incoming Message._

‘We are supposed to stay anonymous too. So we won’t be bothered by joke calls...’ Cullen explained while she lifted the phone away from her ear, unlocking the screen in confusion. The fluttering in her stomach intensified.

An unknown number had sent her a text message, and as she still was trying to understand it he interrupted her.

 

‘I want to help you, Nelly. If you want, that is. This is my private number. text me... call me... whenever you need. I promise to listen.’ A soft gasp escaped her at the impact of his decision and she pressed the phone back against her ear, fingers trembling.

‘... No one should be alone in a situation like yours. So if you want... I will help you. Be your friend and advisor when you need it.’ Cullen explained in a comforting tone, slipped back completely in his role. She couldn’t help but smile, the thought that this stranger who helped her so much in the past 30 minutes wanting to help her further...

‘Thank you... I... thank you...’ Nelly whispered, a single tear of joy sliding down her cheek. Maybe, just maybe... she could do it. With his help.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
> .  
> .  
>  Yes. I am well aware that this is not how things work. But I wanted Nelly to finally experience happier times. She needs them. I tortured her so much *looks at notes' and will torture her much more... *mumbles*  
> -  
> Also: Yes, This is a nod to Knight-Commander Greagoir from DAO. In my first playthrough (Surana) I headcanoned that I am his secret daughter. He just is such a... Daddy. And Then I did a reasearch to find out his last name - and apparently he is related to the first Alamarri. As are the Couslands. So.... Greagoir Cousland. Maybe Bryce brother? They certainly look similar! Light blue eyes, grey hair. handsome. (Yes... have a thing for older man... *coughs*)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because christmas will be soon. And this story needs to finally get back to the plot I had planned!
> 
> Also... There are a few hints about Cullen throughout the story. Let`s see if you are a good detective... or be surprised/shocked when you read the next chapter.

 

 

**[05:00] Cullen: Good morning Sunshine. I hope you slept well and had sweet dreams. I wish you a wonderful day and look forward to our phone call tonight. C.** _ (Message read at 06:35) _

 

 

Sleepily Nelly glanced at her smartphone, a slow smile growing on her lips. Like every morning he sent her a message, not even once failing to make her smile. Also always punctual on 5am, not even one minute later. She sometimes wondered what he was working next to being operator on the crisis line, but hadn’t found the courage to ask him yet. Even after two weeks, Cullen remained sort of a mystery to her. Slowly but steadily she had opened up to him, his patient and tender behavior like the sun she desperately needed. Rolling on her back she stifled a yawn, rubbing with one hand the sleep from her eyes and stretched. 

 

 

 **[6:38] Nelly: Good morning :) you are always awake so early...** _(Message read at 06:38)_

 

 

She bit her bottom lip in thought, staring at the cursor blinking on the screen. She wanted to get to know him better. The images of him she painted in her head switched steadily. Sometimes he was a doctor, sometimes a businessman. Once she even considered that he maybe was a woman feigning a male voice. Only a few pointers was all she had. He loved to read, his favorite books about history. A chessplayer. One day she jokingly asked if his wife wouldn't get jealous of him chating with her. The answer was delayed about a few minutes, but when it came a fluttery feeling ignited in her stomach. "No wife. No children either, before you ask." Then, he added in a second message, quickly sent after the first. "Or does my dog Nero count as a child?" Attached to the text was a photo of a large dog. Snapped from above the massive beast was curled in a ball, head resting on black leather shoes. She had commented back then that Nero rather seemed to be a leg warmer. He hadn't answered to that jest, instead switched the topic. Still... it was the only picture she had from her anomymous friend. A dog, black leather shoes. The outline of one knee. Blinking back into present Nelly glanced at the screen, smiling as she saw what he wrote.  


 

 

**[06:39] Cullen: It's a habit of mine. And you are one of the first things crossing my mind when I wake up.** _(Message read at 06:45)_

 

 **[06:45] Nelly: Are you a baker or something? You are always up so early.** _(Message read at 06:46)_

 

**[06:46] Cullen: I love to watch the sun rise over the horizon.** _ (Message read at 06:46) _

 

 

Slowly she sat up, dark brown eyes flickering from her smartphone up to the window. It was true, the first beams of sunlight peeking into her room. In a split decision and with a loud beating heart she lifted the smartphone up above her head, so her face was visible but not the shady hotel room she was in. The sunlight caught in her light blonde hair, exactly the effect she was hoping for. Like this she really lived up to the nickname he had given her. Silently thanking herself for having washed her hair yesterday she snapped a photo. Holding her breath she clicked on the “send” button, typing a small addition to it. She kept the tone light and jesting, yet her heart was beating wildly. The first image she ever sent of herself to him. And secretly she hoped she would get a picture back. The curiosity of how her anonymous friend truly was grew with each passing day. 

 

 

 **[06:54] Nelly: -picture- There... your own sun. Now you don't have to get up so early each morning. Sleeping in is fun :) !** _(Message read 06:55)_

 

 

Holding her breath she waited for a response, eyes locked on the small status under his name, labeling him as ‘online’. Seconds trickled by, the status switching from “online” to “typing” several times. He didn’t sent a message however and slowly dread began to pool in her stomach. Laying back down on the bed, Nelly propped up the smartphone against her pillow. Have I overstepped? What if he thinks I am ugly? The longer it took him to respond, the darker the thoughts became which circled in her mind. The smile faded from her face and she looked at her selfie with growing disgust, taking in every imperfection. 

 

Skin too pale from malnutrition and the morning sickness still torturing her sometimes. Dark circles under her eyes, swollen slightly and puffy. Even though she would never admit it to Cullen... she still cried herself to sleep at night. Slowly the longing for Cailan became less, but still he was present in her thoughts. Always in her dreams. The hope that he would come and get her... tell her that he made a mistake and everything would be alright... lingered. She couldn’t help it. She missed the familiiarty, the protection and love Cailan had given her. And so, no matter how soft and loving Cullen’s words were... he wasn’t Cailan. Phone clls and messages couldn't replace body contact. And they certainly never had flirted, which made the whole comparison between him and Cailan pointless. Cullen was a friend. A good friend. Nothing more. 

A friend who lived somewhere in Ferelden, according to his accent, sending her sweet morning messages and listened to her sorrows in the evenings at the phone. Only two weeks. But Nelly anticipated these phonecalls already. As punctual as his morning messages, he would call her every night at 8pm, their talks sometimes going till deep into the night. Never did he scold her, berate her or push her to say something she did not want. Cullen was... just... there. Simply there. Her anchor and provider of peace. 

The idea that with the image of herself she could have pushed him away now…sent a flash of hurt through her chest. His status still switched from “online” to “typing”, a pattern that made her anxious more and more by the second. 

 

As the clock on her smartphone displayed 7:20am, she locked the screen and turned away. Ice gripped her heart at having lost her new friend now, just because of a stupid picture. Surely he was already thinking of a way to let her down easily. Already regretting of having given her his private number at all. Hot tears brimmed in her eyes and Nelly blinked rapidly, the ache in her chest intensifying. 

‘I am such a crybaby’ she whispered in disgust to herself but her hands slid down to her stomach instead of wiping the tears away. 

‘A crybaby... unfit to be a mommy... ‘ words slurred as she choked on tears, burying her face into the smelly pillow. All at once reality came crashing down upon her. How the landlord had given her only time till thursday to find another place to live. As sorry as he was for her situation - he only knew she was homeless - the fact that she lived without paying the rent since a month wasn’t something he wanted to overlook anymore. 

 

It had grown colder outside, so sleeping in a park wasn’t an option either, not to mention that it wouldn’t be safe anyway. But where should she go? There was no money left from what Cailan had given her, and with the bottles she collected and brought back to the stores to have at least a small income... there was no way she could afford the rent of a flat. Much less a flat where she and her baby could live. 

So engrossed in her dark state of mind, Nelly missed the soft vibrations on her phone signaling the income of new messages. But when the melodic ringing of a phonecall filled the room, she lifted her damp face out of the pillow. Confused and with puffy eyes she stared at the screen, where an incoming call was displayed. Cullen. 

Preparing herself for the goodbye she unlocked the screen, answering the call as she lifted the phone to her ear, whispering.

 

‘Yes...?’

‘Maker, Nelly...’ Cullen’s voice was worried and low, followed by the sound of something being placed away on a hard surface. 

‘Why aren’t you answering my messages?’ It wasn’t a classical accusation per se, but still Nelly swallowed hard. One hand reflexly settled on the barely there bump, as if wanting to protect the unborn life from what was about to happen in her opinion. A break up. Of sorts. What else could it be. 

 

‘I... I thought that... you took so long to answer... I... I thought you wouldn’t like it... that it was too much. That I am not pretty enough for you... I am sorry...’ She whispered, voice breathy and cracking as she tried to hold back tears. 

‘Nelly, I am not-’ Cullen tried, but she interrupted him.

‘Don’t leave me like Cailan did . I can do better’ now she was babbling nonsense, saying the name of her Ex without thinking. The sharp inhale at the other side of the phone only feed her fear, and her voice rose in pitch and pity. All the things that crushed her heart began to bubble out of her, tears falling hot and thick on the dirty sheets. 

 

‘I have no one else left but you. You make me smile. Please...’ Nelly was sobbing now openly, curling into a ball on the old bed. The mattress creaked under her weight, as if underlining her sorry state. 

‘I... The landlord said that I need to leave the hotel room in two days. I have nowhere to go…’ 

‘I have no money anymore to buy food. I can’t afford the vitamin pills the doctor prescribed me. What if I am hurting my baby?! I am a bad mummy!’ Her voice got louder, hitching between syllables. 

‘I... just want someone to take me in his arms and tell me that everything will be alright. I... I...’ every further word was drowned in sobs and she dropped the phone, dimly aware of the sound of an phone call being ended. 

 

_ Of course he hung up... I am a mess... a burden. That’s why I stayed away from Alistair too. I should have stayed away from Cullen too... I just wasted his time...  _ The voice in her head cackled, so loud she squeezed her eyes shut, more tears dripping on the sheets. Like this, she stayed. For how long she was sobbing, Nelly did not know. At some point the sunbeams now mocking her traveled across the room, shadows becoming longer and menacing. In between this travel of time she fell asleep, face damp with tears and one hand curled over her stomach. 

 

When Nelly opened her eyes again it was dark outside. Her eyes burnt and felt raw, but not as raw and pained as her heart. It had to be well past 8pm and she slowly picked up her smartphone to confirm for herself that her life had gone from miserable to hell with Cullen walking out of her life. As she unlocked the screen, she gasped.

  
  


**8 unread messages, one new voicemail.**

  
  


Nelly blinked once, twice. Slowly she sat up, folding her knees under her body. with a trembling hand she opened whatsapp, the chat of her and Cullen appearing on the screen. At the top was the voicemail he had sent. Her heart plummeted in her stomach as she taped on the play-button.

 

**[07:22] Cullen: - New Voicemail-** _ (Voicemail played 21:39) _

“I am looking at your picture for minutes now and can’t think of a written response that would do it justice" Cullen`s voice trailed up to her, the softness.. adoration? in his words kindling the fluttery feeling in her stomach anew. 

“I know that you only see me as a friend. But looking at your face, that sweet angelic smile. It makes me wish to wake up to that every morning.  I know I am not supposed to feel this way.. but Maker, Nelly... To see you smile just like you do on the picture." here he pauses to breathe deeply, the rasp of stubble against his fingers. 

"That smile directed at me... You make it difficult to concentrate during the day. I wonder what you're doing when we aren't messaging. If you are alright, if there is something bothering you. When I gave you my number, I never imagined things to develop like this... to develop feelings for you, a woman I only know from chats and phone calls..." The next words are mumbled, just a blur of words she can’t understand. Then. 

"But I am old enough to know that these feelings aren’t a simple crush. You are still... emotionally bound to another... I know that. And that my feelings are onesided - maybe even stay onesided, while time passes. But know that... I will respect whatever the outcome is. You are important to me, and I will do what is in my power to support you." 

  
  


The voicemail ends and Nelly stares blankly at the screen, in slow motion scrolling through the messages he sent after it this morning. 

  
  


**[07:28] Cullen: You seem to be distracted, so I will wait.** _(Message read at 21:40)_

 

 **[07:41] Cullen: Still busy?** _(Message read at 21:40)_

 

 **[07:46:] Cullen: Sunshine? Are you alright? Morning sickness again?** _(Message read at 21:40)_

 

**[07:52] Cullen: I am getting worried. Please message me when you read this please!** _ (Message read at 21:40) _

 

 **[07:54] Cullen: Sunshine? If you don`t answer me till eight, I am going to call you.** _(Message read at 21:40)_

 

 **[07:59] Cullen: Calling you now.** _(Message read at 21:40)_

 

**[08:00}] Cullen: -Incoming call-** _ (answered 08:00, Length 48min 26sec) _

  
  


Nelly bit her bottom lip, eyes watering anew as she remembered the disastrous call. How she had reacted. _ He only had been worried… she thought, and instead of easing his trouble I made it so much worse… _

It took her a some willpower to scroll down to the last two messages in the chat, little checkmarks signaling the moment she read them. 

 

  
  


**[09:22] Cullen: Tomorrow 9am appointment Sacred Heart Hospital, Dr. D. Amell. Scheduled sonogram and panel. Payment for treatment and medication is not of your concern.** _ (Message read at 21:45) _

 

 

**[09:23] Cullen: Kingsway 87, Drakon District, Denerim.Door code 902910. Ten minutes footwalk to Sacred Heart hospital - Daniel will call you a cap.** _ (Message read at 21:45) _

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr-ID: http://o-lilkjay-o.tumblr.com/  
> Skype: Lil-Kjay
> 
> => Comments, opinions and motivation are ALWAYS welcome! :)


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